8/10/17

I think it’s a curse. This binging and purging, I mean. The saddest part of it is that a binge to me is a couple bites out of a few things. It’s not like an all out feast for me. The obvious downside is the purging, the second downside is its every few hours. Here’s a few bites, okay now go throw up. It’s ritualistic and I hate it. I’m waiting for Scott to call today. He did call yesterday but there was no phone time so the phone disconnected. I have so much to tell him and I’m not sure how to do it. I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I realize I say that a lot. Last night I remembered the night we stayed in the RV. It didnt come as a full memory, just bits and pieces. I remember the Corona I wanted to get drunk on. I remember the way his lips felt on mine. I remember falling asleep with him. I remember laying there listening to his steady heart beat. I was so scared that night. I was convinced they were looking for me, I was going to go to jail. I was overly paranoid, but my mind was in survival mode. I just wanted time to stop and to lay there in his arms. I remember giving him anything I could to make sure he felt okay. I remember waking up feeling like I was dying, the withdrawal starting and I remember how he helped me. Part of me wants to go back to those days because it meant he was there. 

I just remembered another day. I remember the day C pretended to be S. Asking me for pictures, trying to trap me in cheating on him. I help my ground, it seemed weird to me that S would be coming on to me. C had been gone all day, Kevin came looking for him and looked shocked when I said he hadn’t been here. I was withdrawing then, too. I started to panic, maybe he got arrested. Kevin went to group. Oh, sweet Kevin. A kid like me, just got caught up in the wrong shit. He was terrified to go back to prison. After his group he came back and we hoped in his car on the lookout for C. He was no where to be seen. I told Kevin about S trying to come onto me 

“Dont tell C, whatever you do. Don’t.” 

Kevin had seen C and I fight. He had seen C hit me. He was looking out for me, and he had seen C sober. He kept telling me C was a good person, he just didn’t handle his dope well. I scoffed at the idea. When we got back to the house S was there. I avoided him, while simultaneously trying to get his attention. In the time we had been gone everyone had shown up and finally in walks C. 

“I have something to tell you.”

“Hey, I love you, and I trust you, babe.”

That was weird, he didnt say shit like that. That’s how I found out he had lied and pretended to be S. I was livid. I looked like a damn idiot. 

End memory.

I hate how they come as waves. It gets hard sometimes. Like right now, I need a break. I’ll write more later, right now I need to listen to some music. 

8/9/17

Today has been hard. So very, very hard. I need him more than I can express. This is hard to deal with by myself. I don’t know if I’ll be able to, and I don’t know if I even have the courage to say it. I bought food to binge on tomorrow. I think my resolve is breaking. Doing the hardest things I have ever done solo is breaking me. Hopefully, by some grace of god, I’ll have my phone call tomorrow. We will see.. 

Sleep

I can’t seem to sleep tonight. I’ve been reading all the messages from Scott. I can’t seem to wrap my thoughts around anything real right now. It’s such a strange feeling to feel like you’re on the edge of a breakdown but calm enough to sit motionless and silent. I just want him here to hold me, and then all would be right with the world for a brief moment. Tonight I feel overwhelmed. Tonight I will find some peace in the storm. I have to, for my own sake.

One Vice or AnotherĀ 

Turns out being sober has its downside. It has been four years since I last binged and purged. I suffered from Anorexia binge/purge subtype and tonight I caved. I just drowned all my emotions in food and threw it all up. I also fear gaining any sort of weight. Great.

The scary part is that its so familiar. My stomach is empty. It’s hauntingly inviting. The rush from after is eerily close to a high. You brush your teeth, you call it a day. It’s all about control. I control what goes in, and I control what comes out. Its all illusion but its there. Then my weight drops, and then im perfect. Its a fucked up cycle and I drag myself through hell with it. So, four years down the drain. Just like that, literally. And I don’t want to stop. 

When It Rains

I always thought of rain as a good omen for me. I love the rain. I always aspired to be like it, actually. It can be calm, or it can cause massive destruction. It is ever changing, and it brings life with it. Tonight its raining. I am watching it from my window, and thinking how epically I miss S tonight.  It would be an amazing comfort to hear his voice. I’ve been waiting for his call for awhile, but money doesn’t grow on trees and I can’t expect to be his only contact. If it wasn’t for treatment I would be lining up to visit him. My body is still sore from the hell I went through two weeks ago. The incision is healing. I got lucky. We got lucky. For now. I don’t know what to do, or how to say it. The words don’t really fit together in my mouth and if I tell him. . I can’t tell him. How did this even happen? Oh, wait, I know. The explanation was simple, the science added up. Facts. All of it. Part of me can’t tell him because of the math. Sixty Seven percent. That’s not a good odd and definitely not for me. I wrote some of it down in the letter but I still didn’t come out with it. Can they read blogs in jail? Maybe that would be easier. I really need you right now, Scott. I wish it was easier. I love you. Don’t ever forget that. I just wish you were here to tell me it’s alright, even though I know it isn’t. Sweet dreams.