I think it’s a curse. This binging and purging, I mean. The saddest part of it is that a binge to me is a couple bites out of a few things. It’s not like an all out feast for me. The obvious downside is the purging, the second downside is its every few hours. Here’s a few bites, okay now go throw up. It’s ritualistic and I hate it. I’m waiting for Scott to call today. He did call yesterday but there was no phone time so the phone disconnected. I have so much to tell him and I’m not sure how to do it. I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I realize I say that a lot. Last night I remembered the night we stayed in the RV. It didnt come as a full memory, just bits and pieces. I remember the Corona I wanted to get drunk on. I remember the way his lips felt on mine. I remember falling asleep with him. I remember laying there listening to his steady heart beat. I was so scared that night. I was convinced they were looking for me, I was going to go to jail. I was overly paranoid, but my mind was in survival mode. I just wanted time to stop and to lay there in his arms. I remember giving him anything I could to make sure he felt okay. I remember waking up feeling like I was dying, the withdrawal starting and I remember how he helped me. Part of me wants to go back to those days because it meant he was there.
I just remembered another day. I remember the day C pretended to be S. Asking me for pictures, trying to trap me in cheating on him. I help my ground, it seemed weird to me that S would be coming on to me. C had been gone all day, Kevin came looking for him and looked shocked when I said he hadn’t been here. I was withdrawing then, too. I started to panic, maybe he got arrested. Kevin went to group. Oh, sweet Kevin. A kid like me, just got caught up in the wrong shit. He was terrified to go back to prison. After his group he came back and we hoped in his car on the lookout for C. He was no where to be seen. I told Kevin about S trying to come onto me
“Dont tell C, whatever you do. Don’t.”
Kevin had seen C and I fight. He had seen C hit me. He was looking out for me, and he had seen C sober. He kept telling me C was a good person, he just didn’t handle his dope well. I scoffed at the idea. When we got back to the house S was there. I avoided him, while simultaneously trying to get his attention. In the time we had been gone everyone had shown up and finally in walks C.
“I have something to tell you.”
“Hey, I love you, and I trust you, babe.”
That was weird, he didnt say shit like that. That’s how I found out he had lied and pretended to be S. I was livid. I looked like a damn idiot.
I hate how they come as waves. It gets hard sometimes. Like right now, I need a break. I’ll write more later, right now I need to listen to some music.